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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Tuesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» THE BEAUX! The Bill, ITV1, 8.00pm
Being the stern guardians of family values that we are here at lowculture, we are appalled by this episode being full of gays. We are, you understand, only informing you of the following so that you can be sure to avoid the programme and the inherent moral corruption contained within it. New recruit Amber hopes that there's an opening for resident prick tease by kissing a barmaid and humiliating Steve in the process, while Mark decides that he's here, he's queer and that everyone should get used to it - which may lead to The Bill's first gay wedding. It's filth. Utter filth. Don't watch it! Think of the children! (Ugh - not like that, you sickos.)
» THE SHOW! Big Brother Panto, E4, 9.00pm
It's an idea so utterly inspired we can't believe it's taken them this long to think of it - housemates from various series of Big Brother get together to put on a panto. Considering panto is the Christmas job of choice for struggling D-list celebrities, this seems like a match made in heaven. Oh no it isn't! Oh yes it is! Etc.
» THE WHOA! Teachers Christmas Special, Channel 4, 10.00pm
There's still some degree of disagreement as to whether this is the "series too far" for Teachers - in all honesty, we haven't made our minds up on that one yet, either. For those of you who are still watching, it's the day after the Christmas party, all the staff are hungover, Ofsted are on their way, and Bob's planning his wedding to Ping - where better than the school playground?
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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