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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Wednesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» CAST OFF! Yoho Ahoy, BBC Two, 10.10am
This one is especially for Jonny over at the lowculture messageboard, who bravely confessed his addiction to this show the other week. From what we've seen of it, there are pirates involved, and the only dialogue involved are the two words in the title. It's fun, in a makes-you-want-to-stick-pencils-in-your-eyes-after-five-minutes sort of way. Today Plank is being pestered by a fly. Eep.
» RIP OFF! The Bill, ITV1, 8.00pm
The Bill nods a considerable head in the direction of 24 this week, as Sam has just one day to find her daughter and save her life. Preview tapes weren't available, but from what we know of 24, expect any, all or none of the following: rogue double agents, random tigers, amnesia, deadly superviruses, regular kidnappings on a three-hourly basis, and a disappointing cameo from Dennis Hopper.
» ROUND OFF! Chubby Chasers, ITV1, 11.00pm
One in five women in the UK are morbidly obese, and this documentary introduces us to the men who can't get enough of larger ladies. Judging by the title, this seems unlikely to provide a balanced or sensitive account, but it might just about manage "heartwarming" by the end, we reckon.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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