Friday, November 19, 2004
FUCK ME* FACTS!
Okay, so the Fuck Me Facts! have become something more like "Fuck Me Statements That Bear As Much Relation To The Truth As Irish Cream Rolos Taste Like Baileys!" and for that I can only apologise. Rest assured, I've taken extra care to cover my ass for these amazing nuggets about Friday, November 19**:
» The Queen's head allegedly appeared on a banknote for the first time when the £10 note was introduced today in 1959. Not that I was there, you understand, so it could quite easily have been Prince Philip.
» Topless protestors supposedly marched in Massachusetts four years ago to protest against what was apparently a state law that allowed men to go topless, but branded topless women as indecent. Allegedly, The Boobie Rights for Women and Men in Bras Brigade offered bras to passers-by.
» The mystery of who shot JR in Dallas was solved today in 1980 when it was revealed that Kristen had pulled the trigger (for the love of fuck, please let me be right!).
» The ventilated hat was patented today in 1911, with the product allowing the free flow of air around the head, thus relieving the pressure caused by the weight and close fit of ordinary hats. Okay, I admit it myself - that does sound like bollocks.
» The Daily Mirror revealed last year that one of their journalists had been working undercover in Buckingham Palace for two months, exposing security faults. And we can be sure of this, 'cos we were on a press trip with him shortly beforehand. Fact! We can also be sure of the fact that he's very tall, and bought a Spongebob Squarepants drinks container for a relative. Fact! Suck my facts, bitches!
» We bid a cautious happy birthday to the following celebrities, showbiz ages accepted: Fashion designer Calvin Klein (62), pretty-turned-unnerving actress Meg Ryan (43), and Emmerdale actress Adele Silva (24), who played Kelly "bulldog-licking-piss-off-a-thistle-befaced" Windsor.
* Or, for today only: "OFF"
**This writer takes no responsibility for falsehoods, misleading facts, or those that have simply been copied from our source incorrectly. Go swivel.