Monday, November 22, 2004
Today's thrilling episode of lowculture should have been an exciting story about getting absolutely fucked on drink and heading off to G-A-Y to stalk la famille Scott-Lee as they gathered to witness lovely Lisa plugging her new single.
There would have been hi-jinx, hilarious misunderstandings, D-list guest stars, crossed wires, unrequited love, Brian Dowling (probably), poppers, busy hands and, to round the evening off, an argument with a cab driver about precisely where the border of Shepherds Bush and Acton actually lies.
Unfortunately, due to the ravages of a horrible and highly infectious skin infection (not, please note, an STD), the whole weekend was actually spent at home watching crap on the telly instead, while receiving text messages from friends every 15 seconds about what a great time everyone in the real world was having.
This is a pretty rubbish turn of events, by anyone's standards. But every cloud has a silver lining, and this confinement enabled a reconnection with the very thing that inspired lowculture in the first place – ie hours and hours of brilliantly watchable trash on the telly.
Over the course of the weekend we:
» Wondered why more people don't watch Harry Hill's TV Burp.
» Fell in love with Strictly Come Dancing. It's got the best theme music and titles in TV history, and it's hugely funny watching Brucie struggle to keep up with the autocue ("back a bit, dear, back a bit, dear, back a bit, dear").
» Cheered as vanquished Strictly CD contestant Sarah Manners took a spectacular revenge on her partner, Brendan, for being really horrible to her all through rehearsals. (She cheekily urged him, in front of millions of viewers, to get back together with hostess Natasha Kaplinski – much to Natasha's obvious fury.)
» Decided that X Factor's G4 are kind of creepy, but that Sharon Osbourne is clearly the bestest person in the whole world.
» Puzzled over what Woman In Casualty Whose Ballet Dancer Daughter Turned Out To Be Pregnant had been in before – and eventually realised that it was only SARAH BLOODY GREENE! Result!
» Deliberated briefly, during Abbamania 2, over the controversial issue of whether Bombhead from Hollyoaks can now be officially reclassified as "sexy", before eventually deciding: "Not quite yet".
» Had a good think about whether Smallville was enjoyable because of the gripping, thrilling plots, or for the more obvious charms of its star Tom Welling, then remembering that this was a really stupid question in the first place.
» Laughed in all the wrong places at the spectacle of the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party (for the record, V stole the show by having dancing children and Mark's spectacular new hair, although Miquita Oliver's hilariously obvious disbelief at Rachel Stevens' Best Dressed Female award was also a high point).
» Realised, too late, that Monarch Of The Glen is fucking amazing – just in time for the credits to roll on last episode of the series. But – hoorah! – Mr BBC Announcer says a new series is on the way next year. Hopefully Tom Baker will be back to chew up what remains of the scenery.
That's without even starting on how great I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here was (ie very). So now, life doesn't feel quite so empty and miserable. And hey – the rash has even calmed down, so all's well that ends well.