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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Monday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» DAYTIME! Today With Des And Mel, ITV1, 1.00pm
Whoever said daytime television had to be challenging, groundbreaking and not derivative? Obviously not the producer of Des 'n' Mel, where cosy is their raison d'être. It's a new series, which should have bored housewives everywhere kicking their slippers into the air with joy. Today Des 'n' Mel are joined by Christian Slater (not a bad pull for them, all things considered), and Daniel Bedingfield - and, from what we've experienced of Bedders, we wish them the best of British luck with him.
» TEATIME! Emmerdale, ITV1, 7.30pm
It's not looking good for psychotic Steph "I Shot The Sheriff, And Quite Possibly The Deputy Too" Stokes, as evidence mounts against her following last-week's nail-biting near-death cliff-edge storyline. Bugger, we just blew our monthly hyphen budget in one sentence. Elsewhere, Jimmy "Don't Be A Hero" King gets closer to scheming Chloe "Poison Pen Letters Straight From Your Heart" Atkinson. And as far as we're concerned, they're welcome to each other.
» BEDTIME! The Simple Life 2: Road Trip, E4, 10.00pm
It's pretty much a one-joke format, but we're impressed at how well they've managed to stretch it. This week, Paris and Nicole lodge with a devout Christian family in Texas. Whether this is the cue for huggin' and learnin', or whether the Christian family will decide to smite the shallow socialites, well, we're unsure.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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