Friday, August 13, 2004
IT'S ALL RELATIVE . . .
Hooray for top ten rundowns - life just wouldn't be the same if we weren't being told which TV programmes, years, or celebrity haircuts are our favourites this week.
Which is why we're glad VH1 has taken the time to compile a list of the worst singles in the world . . . ever*! Which will be coming to a satellite channel near you soon . . . honest!
Now, he's been having a bit of a rough time on the old airplay stakes recently, but we're sure there's enough booze flowing round his vinyards to numb Cliff Richard's pain of topping the poll.
Who can forget those three, painful weeks in 1999 when the Millennium Prayer topped the charts, combining Scots anthem Auld Lang Syne rather awkwardly with the Lord's Prayer?
The only thing we could be thankful for, if our memories serve us right, was Sir Cliff threatening to only release new records once a year.
But even we are stunned to find him occupying the top slot when the runners-up are taken into consideration.
The number two of the pile, pun intented, goes to the brightly-coloured fetish outfit that was Mr Blobby, and his hit, "Mr Blobby".
And in third were The Teletubbies, with "Teletubbies Say Eh-Oh!" Which we think would have gained a cult following if they'd only had some decent dance moves.
Which brings us to our next subject. VH1 has also put together a list of the greatest number ones that never were . . . ever!
If you can cast your minds back to December 1997, you may recall that it was the Teletubbies that helped keep Robbie Williams off number one, as Angels only rose to number four in the charts.
Now, we detest ballads at the best of times (well, half the lowculture contingent does, anyway), and if Robbie only knew the pained nights we have trying to get to sleep when the pub across the road is belting out a strangled rendition of the song, we're sure he'd just have skipped straight to the excellent Rock DJ.
And as for the runners-up? In second place are Savage Garden with "Truly, Madly, Deeply" and in third are Aerosmith with "Don't Want to Miss a Thing".
See? Ballads, the fucking lot of them. If it was down to us, the show would be called the "The Biggest, Bollockiest Ballads" but seeing as it's not likely to happen, we'll sit ourselves down and prepare to join the former kids favourites and the Peter Pan of Pinot Noir for an evening of music that's crap and proud of it.
Or we could just wait for romorrow's edition of CD:UK.
*We have to admit, we added the "ever" bit for effect.