Wednesday, June 23, 2004
WORST. DISASTER. EVER.
It seems like only the other week that we were enthusing about the prospect of a helter skelter disaster bringing havoc, death and misery to Albert Square.
The rather unlikely plot could, with the right handling, have been a soap disaster to rival anything Brookside or Emmerdale have dished up over the years. Unfortunately, this is EastEnders we're talking about, so it should come as no surprise that it ended up being A Bit Rubbish Really.
When it became apparent that the faulty fairground attraction (note to readers in the 1980s: insert Eddie Reader joke here) was not a helter skelter at all, but something called a Dragon Slide, it was clear (to us, at least) that the whole enterprise was doomed to failure. A Dragon Slide is not even a real thing! They've just made it up!
"In fact," we pontificated loudly to nobody in particular, "they will probably just cut to someone running into the Vic saying 'Quick, everyone, the Dragon Slide has collapsed' and not show any of it at all."
As a certain lady in one of our icons is prone to say, "well fuck me!". Because that's more or less exactly what happened.
Now all of our least favourite characters (Spencer, Lynne, Ian) are in jeopardy, and nobody really cares whether they live or die, to be honest.
In fact, the only good thing about the plot is that the collapsing slide seems to have laid waste to the wretched car lot. With any luck it will be bulldozed to make way for a bland block of overpriced studio flats, which can then be haunted by the ghost of that old tramp Phil Mitchell burned to death.
Next week: Dot Cotton runs into the Vic to report that the Ferreira family have been vapourised in an off-camera meteor storm – which also causes minor damage to the roof of the laundrette.