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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Wednesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» YAK! Loose Women, ITV1, 1pm
Des and Mel are off on their summer holidays, so everyone's favourite panel of grumpy ladies is back in residence, chewing the fat over such issues of great importance as Kerry's tits, Carol's sour face and Sherrie's exciting showbiz friends.
» OIK! Emmerdale, ITV1, 7pm
Scott is frustrated by his failure to seduce Zoe. Scott, darling, she's a fucking lesbian. And she only shagged you last time because she was mentally ill.
» SCRUB! How Clean Is Your House
Featuring a couple who have lost their six children somewhere in the detritus of their front room. Kim and Aggie must find the kids before they are eaten by wild dogs.
» BANG! Big Brother, 10pm, Channel 4
It's not often we recommend you DON'T watch Coronation Street (which is also on at 10pm tonight due to something called the 'football') but this is one of those rare occasions. Tonight, the bedsit girls are going back into the main house – live! Don't miss a second of it – there will be blood on the diary room floor.
» Are we missing something great? Or even something rubbish – we're honestly not fussed! Click on the comment link below and tell us all about it.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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