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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Tuesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» AGAIN! Big Brother stuff, Channel 4, from 8am
Found yourself rolling in from the pub at 11pm to realise you've missed Big Brother again? Well, don't fret, cos there's another chance to see Little Brother and the main show the following morning. Although you've probably got a hangover, so you will be sleeping right through it then making a last-minute dash for the bus. But you can't have it all ways, you know. You drunk.
» LUDICROUS! Charlie's Angels, Channel 4, 2.35pm
Someone is trying to kidnap Sammy Davis Jr, so the Angels are assigned to protect him. Their efforts are continually thwarted by a passing idiot named Herbert Brubaker III, who just happens to look like Sammy Davis Jr. Sammy plays both himself and the passing idiot. Genius! Probably.
» ABOUT! Countdown, Channel 4, 3.15pm
Jeremy Beadle is in dictionary corner. Let's hope the conundrum doesn't turn out to be some kind of anagram of "irritating twat", or there will be red faces all round.
» SECRETED! 'Allo 'Allo, 7.05pm, UK Gold
Gruber has hidden some paintings – but where can they be? Up his arse, perhaps?
» AKIMBO! Holby City, BBC1, 8pm
A new heart surgeon, Connie Beauchamp, arrives at the hospital, and Rick welcomes her with a shag. What he does not know is that she's the new big boss of Holby – so he is the one who is fucked. The word on the wards is that she's as better than all of the male surgeons put together, 'cos she can do it all in five inch heels.
» REVELATIONS! Cutting It, BBC1, 9pm
It's the last in the series, which can mean only two things – all of the secrets that have been bubbling under the surface so far will come tumbling out in the most spectacular fashion, and there will be some kind of a hairdressing competition.
» BONKERS! Inside The Mind Of Liza Minnelli, Channel 4, 10.30pm
Putting aside the fact that there are probably few prospects as scary as being inside the mind of Liza, this looks like it will be a good, old-fashioned, muck-raking delight.
» Are we missing something great? Or even something rubbish – we're honestly not fussed! Click on the comment link below and tell us all about it.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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