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THE RUDE, THE BI AND THE LOVELY

Well, they're in. And while we have to say we don't quite find them to be quite the turbulent mix of characters we were promised, we're sure there's plenty of scope for things to get interesting.
Today we help those of you who took advantage of the nicely quiet pubs on Friday to get up to speed with a brief rundown of each of the contestants, lowculture style.
In reflection of the new darker tone of Big Brother, we include our initial estimate of each contestant's likelihood of doing a Gordon Ramsay (out of a vein-bursting five BB eyes).
We've also included our vision of how they might bump off their fellow contestants, but only because we have grisly imaginations.


WHO THE . . .? Ahmed Aghil, 44, a former refugee from Somalia now living in Liverpool.
WHAT THE . . .? The oldest housemate of this year's bunch, and not short of a label or two. Media descriptions of Ahmed as a homophobe and ex-refugee may not do him any favours, but so far he has only come across as a touch quiet and seems keen to get to know the other contestants for who they are.
BIG BOTHER VERDICT: We don't see Ahmed losing it at the moment, but the vision in our heads is of him drowning the others as he sits naked in the spa. That was worth a point on its own.


WHO THE . . .? Dan Bryan, 30, a very tall gay hairdresser from Hull.
WHAT THE . . .? On first impressions, Dan seems very calm and quite a clear thinker. At the same time, we think he could be really bitchy in an argument. Professes to liking to shag straight men, so we'll have to wait and see if his self-confidence lands him one of his fellow "fellow" contestants.
BIG BOTHER VERDICT:We think Dan does have the potential to throw a hissy fit at some point. Our method of choice? With his height and profession in mind, maybe a pair of salon scissors through the scalp of whoever gets on the wrong side of him.



WHO THE . . .? Emma Greenwood, 20, a bisexual admin worker from Oldham.
WHAT THE . . .? It was Emma that we instantly warmed to upon her entrance to the flat.
She might be a bit gobby sometimes, but she seems to be looking out for the other housemates. A bit of a mother figure, possibly.
BIG BOTHER VERDICT:Aw, petal. We find Emma very sweet. But if she were to go a bit loopy, we think she might pick them off one by one in the double bed, disposing of body parts under the mattress.



WHO THE . . .? Jason Cowen, 30, a former nude model from Glasgow (pics, please?).
WHAT THE . . .? In the absence of anyone we actually fancy this year (we still mourn Ray's departure), we might as well ogle this muscle-bound Scot for the time-being. Chatty and smiley, but maybe a touch too pre-occupied with himself to really notice what's going on around him.
BIG BOTHER VERDICT: Psycho rating relatively low, but if he were to flip, we think Jason would choose to smother the others between his ultra-fit arse cheeks. But maybe that's what a few of them are hoping for anyway.


WHO THE . . .? Kitten Pinder, 24, a volatile lesbifriend and activist from Brighton.
WHAT THE . . .? This young woman certainly made an entrance, and has done little to enamour some of the other housemates, particularly Victor. But we see a very vulnerable side to her, and hope she begins to feel more comfortable around the others over the next few days.
BIG BOTHER VERDICT: Okay, we may be hoping for a character overhaul, but that doesn't make us any less frightened of her.
We see Kitten taking a Hulk-like rage and ripping the others apart limb from limb. And then getting a bed all to herself.


WHO THE . . .?Marco Sabba, a 21-year-old student from Middlesex.
WHAT THE . . .? Makes Brian Dowling look like Frank Butcher.
Just a frock and some heels away from becoming a novelty drag act (or possibly joining the it-girl crowd). Borderline irritating, but we'll give him a chance.
BIG BOTHER VERDICT: Initially, we didn't think Marco could be much of a threat to the others. But then we pictured his arms flailing wildly around with sharp objects and can readily imagine the scenes of carnage.


WHO THE . . .?Michelle Bass, 23, a wannabe glamour model from Newcastle.
WHAT THE . . .? Arrived too late for the Girls Aloud auditions, or possibly Cheryl Tweedy's stunt double. Has revealed bisexual tendencies.
We quite like Michelle, but are fairly worried about her infatuation with Victor, and her readiness to get to grips with his feet.
BIG BOTHER VERDICT:There's no question about it. If it's going to happen, it's going to be a good old-fashioned fist fight in the toilets after an argument over confectionary.


WHO THE . . .? Nadia, 27, a Portugese transexual shopworker.
WHAT THE . . .? We like Nadia. The other contestants have warmed to her, but we're not sure if things would change if her full background is revealed to the others. Has the potential to do quite well.
BIG BOTHER VERDICT: We're not worried about Nadia going ape in the house, but if she did, we're sure it would be with style. With her taste for glamour, we reckon a sparkly choker pulled tightly round the necks of her victims might be the way to do it.


WHO THE . . .? Shell Jubin, 22, a student from Glasgow.
WHAT THE . . .? We initially got the two blondes mixed up on a regular basis, but we're getting the hang of it now. We're quite fond of Shell, a sort of less-irritating Nush from last year. Not afraid to try new things, we see her providing a good source of amusement over the next few weeks (but we'll be laughing with her, obviously).
BIG BOTHER VERDICT: We just don't see Shell losing it. Saying that, the nature-loving girl might know the best way to break necks in a dispassionate, effective manner. Like with chickens.


WHO THE . . .? Stuart Wilson, 20, a student and aspirant millionaire from Macclesfield.
WHAT THE . . .? Came across as really smug in the interview tape, but doesn't seem so bad in the flesh. Has the potential to be very handsome, but we just can't get over the utterly terrible hair. C'mon then, who's got the clippers this year?
BIG BOTHER VERDICT:No real threat here, we think. Perhaps he'd try killing the others with his superior intellect. Or maybe his silly bandanas are hiding a series of miniature knives that he'd fire at them, circus style.


WHO THE . . .? Vanessa Nimmo, 26, a sporty lass formerly from Cape Town.
WHAT THE . . .? We can't honestly say that Vanessa has made much of an impression on us so far.
Okay, she's very pretty, but that's not really what gets us going here . . .
Could she be the one that disappears from the background without anyone noticing?
BIG BOTHER VERDICT: We can't even hazard how Vanessa would dispose of the housemates if the feeling took her. Any suggestions?


WHO THE . . .? Victor Ebuwa, 21, formerly president of the African and Carribbean Society at Uni.
WHAT THE . . .? It's a very split camp here at lowculture towers. But since control of the keyboard lies north of the border tonight, we'll stick with smug, arrogant and sleazy as our descriptions. And not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree either. But those opinions, we stress, are not shared elsewhere on this page.
BIG BOTHER VERDICT: We fear that Victor may indeed have his forefinger loaded with bullets, if his constant gun mimes are anything to go by.


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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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