Thursday, January 08, 2004
SHIRLEY BASSEY'S BIRTHDAY FACT FRENZY
There's an old song that goes: "There is nothing like a Dame Shirley Bassey". Well, it doesn't go exactly like that, as it happens, but it's close enough for us. Old Shirl is 67 today, and we are de-fucking-lighted to present this lowculture Birthday Fact Frenzy to mark the occasion. As usual every second fact in our list is a work of complete fiction.
1. Shirley had a big hit with the James Bond theme Moonraker. But she has never even been to the moon.
2. In fact, the song was originally to be called Binraker, after a supervillain who liked to go through James Bond's rubbish.*
3. As a young woman, Shirley worked in an sausage factory to help support her struggling family.
4. She also sold Tupperware door-to-door until the Afghan hound at No.32 took a nip at her ankles and she decided to chuck it in.*
5. A rogue audience member once invaded the stage when Shirley was performing Kiss Me, Honey, Honey and kissed her – on the feet. Shirley laughed it off, saying she had never been kissed on the feet before. Yeah, right, Shirl. Whatever you say.
6. Shirley has to don a full body brace beneath her fanciest stage outfit, because the sheer weight of all the sequins and feathers would otherwise cause her to fall on her arse.*
7. An early attempt at a showbiz career was thwarted when Shirley became homesick, and returned to Tiger Bay.
8. Shirley is actually Shirley's middle name. Her real first name is Shirley.*
9. She has spent more time in the UK charts than any other British female performer.
10. Celebrity admirers of Dame Shirley's singing talent include Meg White, Judith Hann, Emmerdale's Viv Hope and the ghosts of the London Boys.*
* Not true
» OTHER PEOPLE NOW ONE YEAR CLOSER TO DEATH INCLUDE: R Kelly, the R&B superstar who likes his bananas green (35) ... Rachel Friend, who used to be Bronwyn in Neighbours (34).