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WORRYING HAIR, NUTTER'S DESPAIR, PREGNANCY SCARE, DERRIERES (BARE), KIDNAPPING PAIR

Taj is welcomed into the Kennedy house with open arms in NEIGHBOURS (BBC1, 5.35pm) today – and for once, they're not Libby's. We are terribly worried about Taj as, what with his hairline, his eyebrows and his nose, his face seems to taper away at an alarming rate. Hopefully, drunken Karl will not mistake the top of his head for a fancy champagne flute and attempt to quaff his brains. Still, it's nice to see Susan's mother hen qualities did not desert her that time she lost her memory, and she's still happy to take in any passing stray children.
Stupid eyebrows are the least of Angie's worries in HOME AND AWAY (Five, 6pm). She's slowly going absolutely mental. And by slowly, we mean extremely quickly. Well, who wouldn't be slowly unravelling with so many people going around Summer Bay muttering darkly about their murder plans? Elsewhere, Rhys is in trouble for running a taxi without a permit, but that's about to be the least of his worries...
Odd couple Sean and Tanya are still not knocked up in FAMILY AFFAIRS (Five, 6.30pm). She's forced to confess that she's ready to give up on the idea of having a baby with her well-groomed friend, but a pregnancy test is about to put a smile on some people's faces – although this is the world of soap, so don't expect everyone to be pleased.
HOLLYOAKS (Channel 4, 6.30pm) is all boring stuff about football trials – but at least this raises the possibility that the boys who are participating will be getting their arses out in a gratuitous fashion for some post-match showering. Happily, in Hollyoaks you're rarely more than 15 minutes away from an arse shot, so let's keep everything crossed, eh?
Snatching small children seems to be very much in vogue at the moment. Cathy Bradford's got a couple tucked away in The Bill, and Scott has snaffled baby Jean in EMMERDALE (ITV1, 7pm) as well. Her deranged lesbian mother Zoe is unlikely to be impressed, especially when Scott demands more access to his daughter.
Brenda is also mid-kidnap in CORONATION STREET (ITV1, 7.30pm). As you will recall, we left her teetering at the edge of the church roof clutching little Beth on Monday night. All that stands between Brenda and Beth, a very loud 'splat' and the pearly gates is Emily 'Jessica Fletcher' Bishop, who has turned supersleuth to solve the mystery of the vanishing toddler all by herself. Go Emily! Back on the Street, Ken is far from delighted to find Deirdre making whoopee with that dodgy builder in the Rovers while her chops are charred to buggery on the grill at No.1.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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