Monday, March 03, 2008

Je t'adore!

Bonsoir! Oui, c’est bien moi, la Céline Dion, chanteuse québécoise et mère extraordinaire. Mes chers, chers amis au lowculture veulent que je discute quelques petites chansons qui vont participer au concours de la Grand Prix de l’Eurovision!

After those little words of French, I must speak to you in English. You know, people, they say to me, Céline, they say, Céline, what has been the most rewarding moment in your carrière so far? And do you know what I say? L’Eurovision, of course, in which I sang for la Suisse. My chanson, Ne partez pas sans moi, was a hymn to love, and to life! L’amour et la vie!

People also say to me, they say, Céline, why the long face? And I say, donc, c’est génétique, and they say no, no, well yes, but why do you look sad? And I say it is because I am now too famous for l’Eurovision, that the only way I can reach out to the people now is to have a théâtre constructed for me in Las Vegas and earn milliards de dollars in the process. Oui, that causes me tant de douleur, but I fight it.

I hope that these chers, chers chanteurs below will not have any succès. I do not want for them to experience the pain of success. It is too much. En fait, I cannot review them. It is too painful. I shall have to permet mon cher David to do it for me.

The heart WILL go on! Au revoir!


Hungary: Csézy – Szívverés
A ballad from Hungary! This is alright, if rather unforgettable. It might just fade into the background of all the other ballads out there this year.


Moldova: Geta Burlacu – A Century Of Love
It’s lovely here in the hotel bar, isn’t it? Fancy another G&T? Oh go on, we’re on us holidays. Make ‘em doubles.


Norway: Maria Haukaas Storeng – Hold On Be Strong
I don’t wanna be lonely, sings Maria. Unfortunately, this is definitely the weakest of all the Nordic entries (having heard all the possibilities for Sweden at this stage) and will struggle to get out of the semi-final.


Ukraine: Ani Lorak – Shady Lady
Great title, great chorus, great performance. Will definitely make it to the final (kiss of death).


Iceland: Eurobandið – This Is My Life
It’s the nineties coming back – and it’s fabulous! This makes me want to dance. And you should too. THIS is the sort of song that should have been presented for selection on Saturday night in London. It will be a travesty if this does not get into the final – frankly, Iceland deserves it at this stage.

Marija Serifovic is away. And won't be coming back.

Labels: celine dion, Eurovision, Hungary, Iceland, Moldova, ne partez pas sans moi, Norway, Ukraine

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Friday, May 11, 2007

Flying the flag for you, babies!

¡Hello babies! How is it that you are in this more glorious week of the Eurovisión? It is I, Gigliola, Your Eurovision Expert!

I am grieved that has taken so long to disclose goings-on of the competition relative to this year, but the authorities in Greece have shut me up for many months. This followed an incident in which I, by accident, reversed the machine of wind of the Carola that instead of blowing at the climax of its 2006 Eurovisión song, it sucked. The Carola said that she was happy with the results, as her sagging face was much more tightly, but the police did not share this joy.

Also, I have experienced many problems to gain entrance to the Finland for the competition relative to this year. The man in the passport control was not wise to my enchantments, and accused me of faking to personify a member of Lordi. They took me forth to a small room, where three strapping men tried to pull off my mask, and was many hours before I could convince those that it was in fact my true face.

I managed to escape and to conceal herself in a herring wagon going for the Hartwall Areena. I made my mission to find the beautiful presenter Mikko Leppilampi and to conceal myself in the dressing room to surprise it with my womanly qualities. But babies! I chose the incorrect room and was very red of the face when I revealed my chests to the Marija Šerifović of Serbia. The Marija looked very contented to see me, but I am not that class of lady and I had to go away before she could offer her greetings to me.

Now I have concealed myself in the cabin of the commentary of the Terry Wogan, and I cannot refrain to see the face of him tomorrow night when jump forth in my uniform of Scooch at the critical moment.

Enjoy the show, babies!

Labels: Eurovision, Gigliola

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Thursday, May 10, 2007

Semi-detached

EURO! The Eurovision Song Contest Semi-Final, BBC3, 8.00pm

Call us sentimental traditionalists if you like, but for us Eurovision has never quite been the same since SM:tv got axed and we were robbed of the opportunity to hear the "na na Europop, dingle dangle wingle wangle" song on the corresponding Saturday every year. That was awesome. We'd rant about the indignities that Cat Deeley has been reduced to since those glory days, but that's for another time, and another angry post about American Idol.

So, Eurovision then! Not the main event yet, obviously, because that will be on Saturday, but the semi-final in order to determine which eager countries will be triumphant in securing one of the ten remaining places in the big event. And at this stage, we'd like to thank our lucky stars that the sheer amount of money the UK puts into the contest guarantees us a place every year, otherwise we'd probably be quite screwed by now. Either that, or it would have persuaded us to finally send an act with some small hope of winning, it's hard to tell.

Last year we didn't bother to watch the semis, a decision we regretted the very next day when we learnt we had missed the awesomeness that was Silvia Night. We'd urge you to learn from our mistakes on this one, frankly, because you don't want to miss the drag-tastic Danish entry (even though that concept's a bit old hat now, isn't it?) or the swirly arm dancing of the Estonian entry, which sounds a bit like the cuttings of Kelly Clarkson's studio floor. If Kelly Clarkson were Estonian. Possibly. Also, we like this little nugget from the official Eurovision website, on the selection of the hosts: "The work group preparing the selection at YLE processed very many names of individuals and couples, from which Jaana PELKONEN and Mikko LEPPILAMPI were selected after long deliberation and even camera tests." Even camera tests, eh? They really pulled out all the stops! Good work, though, because both hosts look quite fit, which is a bonus. Off we go to Europeland, then. Get your voting fingers ready.

Labels: BBC3, Eurovision, TV

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
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Monday, March 19, 2007

Corrections and clarifications

In a comment article last week, it was stated that a swift and imminent victory for Justin and Beverle'i' in Saturday night's Making Your Mind Up would take place. In fact, that victory was actually taken by Cyndi Scooch. It is the policy of lowculture to correct significant errors as soon as possible, and so we apologise for this mistake.

Labels: Eurovision, Making Your Mind Up, nul points, Scooch

By David :: Post link :: ::  
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Sunday, March 11, 2007

Så festade stjärnorna i natt

In the end, it was Melodi 10, The Ark and The Worrying Kind what won it. No lowculture reaction as of yet, but he's probably still in bed. In keeping with the fabulousness of the event, Aftonbladet newspaper is running with Stjärnorna i branddrama - Melodifestival stars having to be evacuated because of a "firedrama", Carola och Sebastians heta samtal i natt, exclusive pics of Carola Eurovision Royalty Häggvist in a leather-jacket clinch at the Schlagerefterfest, and Carolas attack på The Ark och SVT, in which Carola has a prize-giving row (pictured) with the winners, presenter and TV station. Result!

Labels: Aftonbladet, Carola, Eurovision, Melodifestivalen, Sweden

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Saturday, March 10, 2007

Sweden Calling

SVENSKA! Melodifestivalen 2007, SVT1, 20.00

Making Your Mind Up? Huh. How are you supposed to make your mind up with an hour-long show, never mind the fact that the Great British Viewing Public (ahem), long-renowned for its ability to choose the right winner with the assistance of The Sun, will choose Justin and Beverlei (sic, hopefully) so we may as well not bother with the show at all (not least because the BBC has downgraded the Kaplinsky to the Cotton this year). Poor Scooch.

The Swedes, however, with their collective respect for a half-century institution, have reached the climactic final of Melodifestivalen, their 4-week search for the song that will represent Sverige in the Contest. The Melodifestival is the biggest TV show in Sweden all year, and about half the country will be watching this evening. And it is an indisputable fact that Sweden produces the best pop music in the whole wide world.

TEN contestants have been through the rigourous filtering process over the past few weeks, and, bar a couple of shocking defeats (Nanne Grönvall on what was supposed to be her triumphant comeback and Magnus Carlsson of Alcazar), this contest is in a different league altogether compared to what the BBC can muster. And because it is so amazing, the event has its own mini-musical, happening in each episode, with actors telling a story through Melodifestival songs from the past. It is not apparent what the story is about, however.

lowculture has had its own observer in attendance in Stockholm this week (as if you couldn't guess who), who contacted me during the week to recommend Melodi 2, Sonja Aldén's För att du finns, Melodi 8 Sanna Nielsen's Vågar du, vågar jag, and Melodi 10 The Ark's glam-rock spectacular The Worrying Kind. Personnally, I recommend Melodi 6, Måns Zelmerlöw's Cara mia, not least because he is officially Sweden's Sexiest Man as voted for by people, and is indeed stunningly beautiful. Not that that has anything to do with his abilities to sing a Eurovision song. Or anything. Links to the above are below.

For those of you unable to receive Swedish Television, try turning your aerial eastwards. If you are in London, you could have gone to The Harcourt Arms in Marylebone. However, the pub will be at capacity, and they won't let you in without a ticket: “As we did last year we will sell tickets for each event and that is only for us to control the amount of people in the pub due to safety.” Happily, SVT, the Swedish BBC, or maybe ITV, recognises how internationally-amazing this event is, and will be streaming the event live: www.svt.se.

Sonja Aldén För att du finns
Sanna Nielsen Vågar du, vågar jag
The Ark The Worrying Kind
Måns Zelmerlöw Cara mia

Labels: Eurovision, Melodifestivalen, SVT, Sweden

By David :: Post link :: ::  
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