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Je t'adore!

Bonsoir! Oui, c’est bien moi, la Céline Dion, chanteuse québécoise et mère extraordinaire. Mes chers, chers amis au lowculture veulent que je discute quelques petites chansons qui vont participer au concours de la Grand Prix de l’Eurovision!

After those little words of French, I must speak to you in English. You know, people, they say to me, Céline, they say, Céline, what has been the most rewarding moment in your carrière so far? And do you know what I say? L’Eurovision, of course, in which I sang for la Suisse. My chanson, Ne partez pas sans moi, was a hymn to love, and to life! L’amour et la vie!

People also say to me, they say, Céline, why the long face? And I say, donc, c’est génétique, and they say no, no, well yes, but why do you look sad? And I say it is because I am now too famous for l’Eurovision, that the only way I can reach out to the people now is to have a théâtre constructed for me in Las Vegas and earn milliards de dollars in the process. Oui, that causes me tant de douleur, but I fight it.

I hope that these chers, chers chanteurs below will not have any succès. I do not want for them to experience the pain of success. It is too much. En fait, I cannot review them. It is too painful. I shall have to permet mon cher David to do it for me.

The heart WILL go on! Au revoir!

Hungary: Csézy – Szívverés
A ballad from Hungary! This is alright, if rather unforgettable. It might just fade into the background of all the other ballads out there this year.

Moldova: Geta Burlacu – A Century Of Love
It’s lovely here in the hotel bar, isn’t it? Fancy another G&T? Oh go on, we’re on us holidays. Make ‘em doubles.

Norway: Maria Haukaas Storeng – Hold On Be Strong

I don’t wanna be lonely, sings Maria. Unfortunately, this is definitely the weakest of all the Nordic entries (having heard all the possibilities for Sweden at this stage) and will struggle to get out of the semi-final.

Ukraine: Ani Lorak – Shady Lady
Great title, great chorus, great performance. Will definitely make it to the final (kiss of death).

Iceland: Eurobandið – This Is My Life
It’s the nineties coming back – and it’s fabulous! This makes me want to dance. And you should too. THIS is the sort of song that should have been presented for selection on Saturday night in London. It will be a travesty if this does not get into the final – frankly, Iceland deserves it at this stage.

Marija Serifovic is away. And won't be coming back.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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