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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Monday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» CHIC! Miss Match, Living TV, 7.00pm
According to the listings, Kate does her first match for a gay couple tonight. We don't really have any great interest in this show, but since it's Valentine's Day and we didn't get any cards, we're wondering how we might go about acquiring her services.
» SHRIEK! Britain's Favourite Love Songs, Five, 9.00pm
There really is no end to the things you can make a clip show about, is there? Oh well, this one's presumably in honour of Valentine's Day as well (note to TV executives: how about catering for those of us who would rather forget it's Valentine's Day? Show a grisly slasher-movie or something, make us feel better), but we'll just like to say this: if the Great British Public has put bloody 'Angels' at the top, we'll be performing GBH on the GBP. Don't say we didn't give you a fair warning.
» EEK! Fool Around With...The Cheeky Girls, E4, 10.00pm
E4's Twisted Dating season surely can't get any more twisted than this. After the previous F-list celebrity specials involving Fran Cosgrove and Mikey from Phixx, we're to be inflicted with a week of the skimpy Transylvanians pawing all over some hapless males. Avert your eyes, no good can come of this programme...
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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