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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Monday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» RASH! Smallville: Superman The Early Years, E4, 9.00pm
In tonight's episode, we learn all about the perils of plastic surgery (note to the producers: we've already learnt all about that on Nip/Tuck, thanks) after a girl's operation to correct her pus 'n' pimples goes horribly awry. What we're unsure of is whether we'll actually get any explanation of that bizarre tattoo on the small of Lana's back, because that's seriously freaking us out right now.
» TRASH! The Most Outrageous TV Moments Ever, five, 9.00pm
For those of you new to lowculture (welcome! Come in! Grab some poppers!) and wondering just what we're all about, this could be a very handy crash course for you. Hosted by ITV-defector Trisha Goddard (who, rumour has it, made herself so unpopular with the bigwigs that no one bothered to throw her a leaving party), making her heralded move into primetime, this show includes the notorious This Morning viagra experiment. If that doesn't sound like your cup of tea, then just invest in a few DVDs of Footballers' Wives.
» SLASH! Going Down In The Valley, five, 11.35pm
Hooray! It's late-night porn on five again - sorry, that should be "a serious documentary on the sex industry that is scheduled late at night and just happens to be somewhat titillating". Tonight, a blistering (heh) exposé on porn actors doing "gay for pay" - the opposite of what a lot of Hollywood A-listers do, in other words.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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