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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Wednesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» FEAR! So You Think You're Safe?, Sky One, 8.00pm
We have a real soft spot for those programmes that attempt to make us paranoid about every single aspect of our everyday lives, so this is right up our street. This week the team turn their attention to the perils that lurk in the average British garden. Well, speaking for ourselves, we think that huge pile of rusty metal at the bottom of ours might be a bit of a hazard, yes.
» TEAR! The Rotters' Club, BBC Two, 9.00pm
This has become a bit of a favourite over on our messageboard, although we suspect that may have more than a little something to do with the involvement of a certain Mr Julian Rhind-Tutt. Tonight's episode brings the series to a close, as everyone prepares to take their A levels and there's upheaval in the air. Those of us young enough to remember this part of our lives might shed a few tears here.
» QUEER! Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, 10.00pm
Our favourite show rolls around again, and things are heating up nicely. Bree is furious at Rex's accusations that the problems in their sex life are her fault, thus setting up a fabulous scene where Marcia Cross models a stunning red bikini and the few heterosexual males who actually watch this show have a fucking fit. Meanwhile, Susan employs Julie to spy on poor incarcerated Zack, Lynette meets her stage-mother nemesis (pray to God she never meets Sally Webster, folks) and Gabrielle proceeds to act like a total bitch towards Mama Solis so that she can continue to boff the hot gardener. Gabrielle, that is, not Mama Solis.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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