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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Wednesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» BLOODY HANDS! Home And Away, five, 6.00pm
After last night's shocking (almost literal) cliffhanger, Duncan has managed to get up and walk away, but things don't look so good for Seb and Jade, one of whom lies in a coma and the other can't be found at all. Alf, meanwhile, is furious with Duncan and disowns him. In fact he's so mad he completely forgets to call him a flamin' yahoo.
» NEW HANDS! The Bill, ITV1, 8.00pm
New recruit PC Amber Johannsen joins the force at Sun Hill tonight and immediately rubs senior officers up the wrong way with her flippant attitude (personally, we thought that would make her fit right in). If you're wondering where you recognise her from, as we were, the ever-helpful Radio Times has pointed out that she's the girl from the slightly annoying "don't you want me, bay-bye?" Fiat Punto adverts.
» JAZZ HANDS! Musicality, Channel 4, 9.00pm
It's the end of the series, and the five finalists are set to take to the stage in Chicago. Their performance was actually two days ago, so you'll be able to catch edited highlights of it on tonight's show as well as the all-important rehearsal footage while you wonder exactly what Jennifer Ellison did with her night off.
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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