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All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Wednesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» POINTY! Star Trek: Enterprise, Sky One, 6pm
T'Pol tells her crewmates the unlikely tale of the time her grandmother and a heap of other pointy-eared Vulcan pals crashed in 1950s Pennsylvania.
» PRETTY! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
We've been getting into the habit of sitting slumped in front of the 'Oaks when we get in from work of an evening. It's worth noting that the boys are possibly the prettiest set they've ever had, and there also seems to be an abundance of impossibly attractive blonde girls to stimulate our straight male readers (hello boys, hope you're liking all the pink!). Tonight, Ellie is still getting a hard time at the Hunter house. Honestly, can't a girl cover up for her serial killer huband, resulting in her brother getting slung in the chokey and the murder of several innocent blonde girls, without everyone giving her a hard time?
» PERKY! Death By Silicone, Channel 4, 9pm
Thinking of booking yourself in for a cheeky little boob job? Watch out – this documentary reveals that unscrupulous plastic surgeons could be pumping your tits full of anything from candle wax to industrial silicone meant for furniture.
» LAZY! Only Fools And Horses, BBC1, 9pm
It's cheering to know that, with the TV schedules almost completely saturated with Olympics coverage, the BBC can still manage to squeeze in an umpteenth showing of a 20-year-old sitcom. Hurrah!
» Is there something we've missed? Click on the comment link to share your tips.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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