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The stuff you won't want to miss today.
» The Simpsons 6pm, BBC2 ... Barney gives up drinking – much to Homer's disgust.
» The Bill 8pm, ITV1 ... After the best scene in the history of the world last week (the one where the camera moved down through the floors of Sun Hill police station to reveal a demented Cathy Bradford in the boiler room with steam and flames rising behind her), this week sees the dramatic climax of the seige. Cathy is demanding that Brandon be brought to her, and when he gets there, she forces him to make a devastating choice between his two children.
» Pissed On The Job 9pm, Channel 4 ...According to this, one person in 13 is a high-functioning alcoholic, which means that wherever you're working right now, a casual glance around the office will probably reveal one person sitting in the corner smelling of booze and urine. Oddly, these sad boozers earn, on average, 5% more than their sober cousins. Then they spend it all on 50p bottles of White Lightning.
» The Vicar of Dibley 9.30pm, BBC1 ... For the 37th year in a row, Geraldine manages to persuade Kylie Minogue to open the village fete.
» Bisexual Girls 10pm, five ... Hmmm. Well, as long as it's only girls ...
» Drastic Plastic 11pm, five ... Featuring Leslie Ash and her trout pout, and an American woman who has had a nine-hour, full-body cosmetic surgery procedure.
» Is there something else we should be watching? Click on the comment link.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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