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BODY BAG, MARITAL FLAG, LITTLE TOERAG AND A REALLY REALLY BAD GAG

Ding dong, the witch is dead. Yes, Angie out of HOME AND AWAY (Five, 6pm) has finally gone to meet her maker, and we're feeling a bit sad as a result. The show is never better than when it has a psychopathic nut-job roaming the streets of Summer Bay making everyone's lives a misery. But whodunnit? Who cares.
Chrissie is worried that the sparkle has gone from her marriage in FAMILY AFFAIRS (Five, 6.30pm). Perhaps if she spent a bit less time pretending her daughter has cancer and a bit more time on her husband, things would be different.
Darren is suspicious about the return of his sister Ruth in HOLLYOAKS (Channel 4, 6.30pm). Given that her only aim seems to be to get Tony into bed, we think he's right to be. There has to be more to it than that, surely?
The big storm was nothing compared to the river of tears that theatens to engulf EMMERDALE (ITV1, 7pm) this week, now that Tricia has gone to heaven to be a silly cow up there. Marlon is busy trying to arrange an appropriate funeral for his late wife and, naturally, the perfect funeral for Tricia would have a soundtrack that includes at least one Steps song – which horrifies her mother, Steph. We're with Marlon, though. If all our friends and family aren't wailing to One For Sorrow as our coffin comes into the church, we'll come back and haunt the lot of 'em.
Tonight's the night that Rita, pushed to the limit by two or three minor shoplifting incidents, decides to set about the unfortunate Chesney with the back of her hand in CORONATION STREET (ITV1, 7.30 and 8.30pm) . She only gives him a clip round the ear, but the little brat falls and ends up with a big bruise – an injury which starts pound signs flashing in the eyes of his mother, the gloriously dreadful Cilla. Meanwhile, Dev is starting to realise that his new lady friend is a lunatic.
The Slaters are centre-stage again in the aftermath of Little Mo's rape. As usual, the storyline shows just how great an actress Kasey Ainsworth is as Little Mo, and how terrible Derek Martin is as Charlie. Unfortunately, he's in the thick of things again tonight, as the police come a-knocking to ask him a few questions about his recent kidnapping of Graham. The list of soap characters who have not been involved in a kidnapping, either as the perpetrator or the victim, gets even shorter.
Oh, and there's some rubbish about a racehorse in NEIGHBOURS (BBC1, 5.35pm). Or should it be Neeeeeigh-bours?
(Sorry.)

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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