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The duration will be three minutes exactly...

CYNDISCOOCH! Eurovision - Your Decision, BBC One, 7.00pm

It’s EUROVISION - YOUR DECISION. In other words, if it all goes horribly wrong in Belgrade (likely), then it will be EUROVISION – YOUR FAULT.

Frankly, it isn’t worth spending that much time on, so let’s just whiz through the entries and leave it at that.

Andy Abraham – Even If
His Eurovision entry, Even If, is a funky ballad about a man who has found genuine love and wants to show his commitment. Andy believes his song is catchy, memorable and cool enough to be a winner.

It isn’t, it isn’t, and it isn’t.

Key change? No.

LoveShy – Mr Gorgeous
Their entry, Mr Gorgeous, is a stylish pop song about meeting the perfect guy and wanting to spend all your time with him. LoveShy say that Mr Gorgeous is less of a love song and more of a lust song!

It’s been mentioned elsewhere that this is basically ‘Beware Of The Dog’ (with just the one drumkit, presumably). And it is very similar, which is, y'know, OK. The ex-Clea girls don’t sound very lusty though – a bit bored, really. I hope the lust makes an appearance in the live performance.

Key change? No.

Michelle Gayle – Woo (You Got Me)
Michelle's song is pop in essence, but she says it has a very cool Sixties vibe to it. According to Michelle, the song is about a couple who are from different countries, so have a language barrier – they are literally lost in translation.

There’s not much to it. It sort of bounces along quite nicely, and you’d get a half-decent dance remix out of it, I suppose.

Key change? No.

Rob McVeigh – I Owe It All To You
Rob's song, I Owe It All to You, is a big ballad that Rob hopes will show his vulnerable side by being in such contrast to the rock songs he sang in Any Dream Will Do. Rob thinks that recent entries have lacked passion – something his has plenty of, for the song, his country and his love of performing.

Show his vulnerable side? Didn't we see quite enough of Rob’s vulnerable side during Joseph? We don’t need any more.

Key change? No idea, I only lasted until 1m 24s.

Simona Armstrong – Changes
Simona's song Changes, she feels, has a universal appeal as it's about keeping positive and adapting to the challenges and changes of every day life. She hopes that if she makes it through to the competition in Belgrade this year that Romania will give the UK douze points!

Ooh. This reminds me a bit of Frances Ruffelle, which is a good thing. She deserved to do much better with Lonely Symphony. Frances is about to appear in Make Me A Song, at the New Players Theatre, along with Ian ‘H’ Watkins, and she doesn’t look too sure about it in the advert at all. But back to Simona. This is good! Surprisingly good. It still won’t win, but if she gets through, and we emphasis the Romanian background a bit, it might get in the top twenty. (Pours more wine).

Key change? Slightly.

The Revelations – It’s You
The Revelations' song, It's You, is an upbeat and original modern Motown-style song celebrating love and how good it feels. The girls think It's You has all the right ingredients of a winning song because it's a good tune with fantastic harmonies.

Yes, yes. Mark Ronson, Amy Winehouse, Candie Payne. I get it. The second song in the line-up with a 'Sixties vibe to it'. Great. This is the one that the radio is ‘championing’. Listen to that, then listen to Motown done properly here.

Key change? No.

So, no key changes, no obviously strong songs, and really, no hope again. LoveShy and Simona have the best chance of delivering some form of double-figure result, even if that figure starts with a ‘1’.

Personally, I’ll be tuning in for an amazing Melodifestivalen featuring the return of Charlotte ‘Take Me To Your Heaven’ Pirelli (née Nilsson), and the wonderful, provincial, Linda Bengtzing, and watching this on Sky+ later: Mel Giedroyc had better be on the judging panel again.

Now, wouldn’t SHE make a great commentator to replace Wogan…

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