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It doesn't get any tougher than this...

POSSIBLE SWIZZ! Masterchef Final, BBC Two, 8.00pm

Oh Masterchef, we love you very much. We love the calamitous chocolate fondants. We love the wacky chefs who combine turnips with popping candy (we may exaggerate, but only a touch). We love the way Gregg makes that 'oooarrrgh' noise when he tastes a good pudding. We don't love the voiceover, but we'll let that pass for now. However, we have a very rocky relationship with your finals. We don't like to criticise; after all, you provide us with eight weeks of quality lead-up every year. But the climax of these eight weeks is, shall we say, a little less than satisfying.

Basically, John and Gregg always pick the WRONG PERSON, leaving such worthy contenders such as The Lovely Dean and The Lovely Hannah by the wayside in favour of the 'least likely to' out of the three finalists. Don't believe us? Check out the amount of complaints there were to the BBC (well, a few people wrote to Points of View, anyway) after the travesty of the 2006 final. And don't get us started on Matt Dawson smugging his way to winning Celebrity Masterchef that year. We don't forgive easily, so we approach tonight's final with a great deal of trepidation.

After a week of watching them mostly be a bit rubbish and occasionally be a bit awesome at various catering tasks, tonight our three finalists will be going to France in the first half, to work in 'some of the best restaurants in the world', then no doubt retuning to the Masterchef kitchen 'for one final challenge'. The decision, we can be sure John and Gregg will tell us, will be tougher than ever.

So who will win? For the uninitiated, Emily (aka 'Mud Pie Girl') is clearly the star of the show. She is cute, bubbly and creates all kinds of mad but tasty food. Gregg and John think she is awesome. She won't win. We like her, she is young, she is a woman and she has been fairly competent throughout. This will all count against her. (We know a woman allegedly won in 2005, but we didn't see that series, so we refuse to believe it).

Then we have James (aka 'Sideshow Bob'). We took an instant dislike to him in the first two rounds he was in, because he was so smug and smarmy (In later rounds he has actually proved to be quite a nice bloke but let's not let that get in the way of our initial snap judgements, eh?). We predicted from the start he'd probably win, but will he? We doubt it. He has been mostly competent and capable all the way through, and as we all know, it's the people that mess up all the way through and have a good final that win.

Our final, er, finalist is Johnny (aka 'Johnny'). A nice bloke, who has had the odd flash of genius, Johnny has still managed to make more mistakes than the others, receive less praise from Gregg and John in the early rounds than the others, but he is a bit older, he is a bloke and he has no doubt been on a 'journey'. Therefore, we predict Johnny will win.

Unless he attempts a chocolate fondant.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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