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FAMILIAR FACE, PUZZLING CASE, AIRPORT CHASE, KEEPING UP THE PACE AND BORING STORYLINES THAT ARE A NATIONAL DISGRACE

» The saga of Coleen falling down a big hole in peculiar circumstances continues apace in HOME AND AWAY (five, 6pm). Alf thinks she might have had a near-death experience, but could the real story involve something as nondescript as a mysterious man from the council? Only in Summer Bay.
» It seems like only yesterday that Jamie Clarke from NEIGHBOURS (BBC1, 5.35pm) was swallowing the tips of drumsticks and choking on his toys, but he's just made a rather unexpected return to the show as a strapping teenager trying to piece together his complicated family history. It's up to Harold to save the day and try to reunite the runaway with his estranged dad, Des. Let's hope he manages to do so quickly, as we reckon he might well have a stroke and turn evil before the end of the week.
» Ashley the vicar is something of an unlikely sex god, but it seems that every red-blooded woman in EMMERDALE (ITV1, 7pm) wants to shag him. Laurel has got it so bad for the Rev that she's planning to move to Finland to forget all about him. The laws of soap dictate that he will realise he loves her at the very last minute, then rush to the airport to persuade her to stay – perhaps encountering some kind of hilarious calamity along the way that threatens to prevent him getting there on time.
» High drama in CORONATION STREET (ITV1, 7.30pm and 8.30pm), as Maya's thrill-seeking reaches fever point, and poor old Dev finds himself clinging on for dear life. Elsewhere, the heartbroken Croppers decide they need to get out of Weatherfield for a while. Let's hope they don't head for the same place Steve and Karen are on honeymoon.
» Not to be outdone, EASTENDERS (BBC1, 8pm) focuses on Ian Beale buying back the cafe for the 347th time. The excruciating and equally regular Queen Vic quiz night and 'let's-open-a-night-cafe' storylines are surely not far off.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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