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RETURN OF THE WITCH, GRASPING BITCH, LESBIAN HITCH

Hooray! Bernice is returning to EMMERDALE (ITV1, 7pm). That's what we would be saying if Bernice was not one of the most miserable, selfish and generally disagreeable soap characters to ever draw made-up breath. Unfortunately, she is, and we're going to have to endure her for the next week or so as she attends Tricia's funeral.
Cilla is not best pleased in CORONATION STREET (ITV1, 7.30pm). After a visit to her solicitor, she discovers that she is unlikely to be able to claw more than about £500 of damages out of Rita for Chesney's injuries. Not to be deterred, she sets off for the Kabin to make Rita an offer she may not be able to refuse. Meanwhile, Deirdre's specs have been steaming up at the sight of Charlie for a few weeks now, so the green-eyed monster makes an appearance when she discovers he is shagging Bev.
Things are livening up again in EASTENDERS (BBC1, 8pm). Billy's been busy setting Angie's Den on fire, without realising Vicki is trapped inside. Tonight, he makes a valiant effort to save her from ... erm ... him. We can only urge him to stop and think about what he is doing. Elsewhere, comedy non-lesbians Zoe and Kelly must face up to their tongue shenanigans in Scotland, and there's an unexpected delivery for Kat and Alfie. Could the honeymoon period be over?

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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