Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Say it isn't so, tell me you're not bumming
If you thought Jordangate was shocking, hold on to your hats for the latest Gareth Gates revelations.
Our Gareth was strutting his not-inconsiderable stuff at G-A-Y last Saturday, and was in something of a playful mood.
After a quick blast of Anyone Of Us, Mr Gates announced that two of his band members were on the lookout for some cock (although he may not have used those exact words). With that in mind, Gareth took a poll of the audience to find out who were the tops, and who were the bottoms – although he innocently claimed to have no idea about what either term meant.
With that done, he launched into an enthusiastic rendition of Say It Isn't So, stopping only to heckle two young men near the front who had decided the song was so dull they would rather be kissing ("Aww, you two!").
All this boy-on-boy action had clearly got Gareth's dander up, as he was soon reaching down his pants to retrieve a handkerchief he had placed there earlier, for reasons which were never adequately explained. Several hundred gayers then fainted with delight when he rubbed it all over his face and tossed it into the crowd. Ooer!
Incidentally, it was a white one, which, according to the handkerchief code for gentlemen of the homosexual persuasion, means Gareth was up for some masturbation. Well, who isn't?
Closer studying of the code reveals that a hanky worn on the left means a gentleman wants to be the wanker, and one on the right means he wants to be the wankee.
Having one in the middle – and, indeed, stuffed down one's trousers – can presumably only mean that the wearer wants to be both. It's probably best not to let Gareth in on that particular secret, though.