The schlock you won't want to miss today.
» EastEnders: The Return of Dirty Den 7pm, BBC1 ... We've been greatly amused by all the headlines in this week's TV mags about Dirty Den's "shock" return. After all, it's been so widely publicised that it's about as shocking as the sun rising in the morning and then setting again at night. This special programme follows Lesley Grantham on his first day back on the EastEnders set.
» Dream Team 8pm, Sky One ... It's the start of a new season at Harchester United, but this is not the cause of much rejoicing in the lowculture house this year, 'cos we've only got rubbish Freeview instead of Sky now. Fuckeration! It sounds like it's going to be great, what with a bitch-queen new Chief Executive, in the form of Pilar Hernandez, and some new owners who live in a caravan. But we will never know.
» John Leslie: My Year Of Hell 9.30pm, Sky One ... John reveals all about his ordeal in an exclusive video diary.
» Planes, Trains and Automobiles 10.30pm, Channel 4 ... Steve Martin finds himself forced to make a ridiculously long journey with only the excruciatingly awful John Candy for company.
» Is there something else we should be watching? Click on the comment link.
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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses.
We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.