The schlock you won't want to miss today.
» The Bill 8pm, ITV1 ... Sun Hill becomes a refuge for stars of failed ITV soaps this week. Lysette Anthony has already turned up as Jack Meadows' new bit of stuff, and tonight sees the debut of Linda Robson, who enchanted us as Wanda Wise in Crossroads, as Polly Page's nasty cousin, Michelle.
» House Doctor 8pm, Channel 5 ... A hot debate is currently raging over on the lowculture messageboard about just who should get first shot of Alistair Appleton if, by some unlikely turn of events, he should make himself available to our readers for their own sexual purposes. We've also heard a rumour that the lovely Alistair has his own Gaydar profile – there's a banana for the first reader to e-mail us with his screen name. Oh, and he presents this programme as well.
» Bad Girls 9pm, ITV1 ... After last week's jaw-dropping episode, in which Fenner managed to frame Karen Betts for murder, we can't wait to see what he gets up to next. First on his list of things to do: sort out Yvonne Atkins. By the way, we have a crazy theory that Fenner might kill and possibly eat Yvonne for the series finale. If we're wrong, forget we said anything. If we're right, remember where you read it first.
» Is there something else we should be watching? Click on the comment link.
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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses.
We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.