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Promface

FIERCE! America's Next Top Model, Living, 8.00pm

America's Next Top ModelDon't ask us how it happened, but somehow in all the excitement of recent weeks, we completely forgot to mark the arrival of a new "cycle" of America's Next Top Model. How could we be responsible for such an oversight? We can only apologise, and we trust that you've been making your appointment to view without us. And for those of you who missed last night's new episode, here's another chance to see it.

There's a sense of change in the air this year, since the benevolent Tyra(nt) Banks has selected not one but two plus-size models in her final thirteen, because real women have curves, y'all. Of course, "plus size" on this show still means "thinner than everyone watching" and you know damn well that neither of them will win, because eventually someone on the judging panel will just go "eh, she's too fat for couture" or something equally disparaging, and we'll be left with a bunch of skinny bitches as usual.

But! There's still quite an impressively motley selection of girls this year: early standouts for us, entertainment-wise, include Jael, who is so spacey we're surprised she manages to stand up unaided; Brittany, who is incredibly photogenic but also kind of complains a lot; Natasha, who may possibly be a mail-order bride and whose grasp of English is perhaps not the best (her standard response to criticism from the judges seems to be "I like this picture, I look nice, thank you, I am America's Next Top Model", or something along those lines); Jaslene, who claims to have been raised by drag queens; Renee, the token bitch; and best of all, Dionne. Oh, Dionne. The best thing about Dionne is the way she narrates the story of the episode in her confessionals, with frequent uses of the phrases "day-am" and "what the hay-ell"? And her main passion in life is actually dentistry. Dionne is amazing. (And this is even before she decides to change her name to Wholahay.) Give Dionne a spinoff!

This week, Tyra takes the girls back to school (assuming they all actually went there in the first place) to walk the runway in a prom-themed fashion show, after which they have a high school stereotype-themed fashion-shoot. It's perhaps not a vintage episode in itself, but the combined presence of Dionne and Natasha and their unique narration skills make any episode of this cycle worth your attention.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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