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A Heatoned debate

IMAGE! My Body Hell, Five, 8.00pm

My Body HellSome shows, we can't help thinking, exist purely just to taunt us. We wonder sometimes if they really exist, or whether they're some kind of nefarious plot by schedulers and TV producers everywhere whose sole purpose in life is to make shows so utterly insane that they can't do anything but make the front page of lowculture. (Because we're that influential, obviously.) And then we wonder if actually putting them on here is just playing into these people's hands, but seriously: what the heck is going on with this programme, eh?

Apparently this five-part series (of which tonight's episode is the second) sets out to tackle the whole spectrum of women's self-image issues, issues which go a long way towards funding the £1 billion a year that gets spend on cosmetics. And this sort of thing is all very laudable, especially when handled sensitively as in, for example, How to Look Good Naked. And fair enough, celebrity culture obviously has a role to play in all of this, since everybody wants to look as buff and bronzed as their favourite sleb, so it's a good idea to get a celebrity's perspective on the whole thing, but...Michelle Heaton? Charley from Big Brother? Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear.

So tonight we'll get to model as Michelle Heaton braves the red carpet without makeup, folks. That sounds interesting, because we're not entirely sure that Michelle Heaton actually exists without make-up, so we have visions of her walking around entirely faceless, like in that episode of Doctor Who with Maureen Lipman. Meanwhile, Charley clings ferociously to her almost-expired 15 minutes by allowing the cameras to see her fighting her extensions on a particulary bad hair day. It's shows like this that make us hate ourselves, just a little bit, but we have this horrible feeling we'll still end up watching it.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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