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Absolute zero

THIN! The Truth About Size Zero, ITV1, 9.00pm

The Truth About Size ZeroThere's no shortage of programmes lining up to tell us that losing a lot of weight in a short space of time might be a very bad idea (gee, you think?) right now, but we felt compelled to single out this one in particular because the person bravely volunteering to put it to the test is none other than '90s pop star turned footballer's wife Louise Redknapp. We were huge Eternal fans back in our youth, so we couldn't let this one pass.

Louise will be attempting to slim down to a size zero (American size, obviously - we don't even want to think what a British size zero must look like) from her current size eight (hardly chubby by anyone's standards) in 30 days, using the latest in faddy crash diets to help her achieve her goal. All we've seen of the show so far is the brief snippets on the trailer, but we're going to guess that her journey will probably involve sickness, tiredness, irritability and a general craving for nutrients before very long. We wouldn't be entirely surprised if Gillian "Not Doctor Any More, Bah" McKeith comes in to poke at her poo at some point, either. In an effort to be responsible, we'd like to remind any impressionable readers that trying to slim down to a size zero is really not a good idea, and that if you wish to diet you should pick a sensible one and consult a qualified professional beforehand, and remember to stop slimming when you reach an appropriate weight for your height. Just so we're clear on that.

Footballers' WivesSpeaking of footballers' wives, as we were a minute ago, how could we let today pass without mentioning that lowculture's flagship show, Footballers' Wives is beginning a repeat run tonight on Five Life at 9.00pm. Enjoy a journey back to the days where Chardonnay hadn't set fire to her breasts yet, when nobody had quite realised how utterly, utterly awesome Tanya Turner was destined to become, and when people still knew or cared who Ian and Donna Walmsley were.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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