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NOT BREATHING AT ALL, A NASTY FALL, HAVING A BALL, PRODUCT RECALL, AND A USELESS CHARACTER WHO FAILED TO ENTHRALL

» Who saw that one coming, then? Yes, Mr C has gone to the great Drive 'n' Buy in the sky after the shocking events in Friday's HOLLYOAKS (Channel 4, 6.30pm). He and Helen should really have known better than to cheerfully defy one of the most important rules of soap ("No. 5: Thou shalt not enthuse about how life is going to be full of nothing but sunshine and fluffy bunnies while thy troublesome toddler is kicking up a fuss in the back seat of thy car"). There is some good news for fans of Gordon, though - the ghost of Mr C will be on hand to comfort the mourners at his funeral next week.
» Summer Bay has been blighted by more natural disasters than most small Australian seaside towns can reasonably expect. And there's another one in today's episode of HOME AND AWAY (five, 6pm). It's an earth tremor this time, which tears a great big hole in the middle of the caravan park. It's not all bad news, though – Colleen falls down the hole.
» Katie still can't decide which of the Sugden brothers she wants to be shagging in EMMERDALE (ITV1, 7pm). Being a practical country girl, she decides that the only reasonable course of action in the circumstances is to carry on doing both of them. All well and good, but she's due to marry Andy tomorrow, so she should really pick one as a matter of urgency.
» Blanche in CORONATION STREET (ITV1, 7.30 and 8.30pm) might be a poisonous old boot, but she's still our favourite character in soap at the moment, as anyone who saw her attempts to rally Tracy for the fight for baby Patience last night must agree ("Social services won't leave the baby with the Croppers. He's a weirdo. And she's a man!"). Tracey has finally 'fessed up that she wants to keep her baby, so she's off in a taxi (presumably not a Streetcars one) to ruin the wedding of the year. It's certain to be a bloodbath – although our spies tell us that baby Barlow's christening is going to be an even bigger fiasco!
» Hands up if you watch EASTENDERS (BBC1, 8pm) and you really hate Shirley? Everyone? Yes, we thought so. You will be delighted to learn, then, that she will be taking her leave of Albert Square this very week. Bet they're not queueing round the block to wave her taxi off. The storyline that brings about her departure starts tonight, as Andy takes over the bookies, and it soon becomes obvious that her hatchet-face is not going to fit.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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