The schlock you won't want to miss today
» Real Rooms 11.30am, BBC1 ... As long-time readers will know, we are reluctant to use this website as a forum for publicising our latest celebrity crushes. But we will make an honourable exception to tell you about the appearance of JJ Martinez on this otherwise rubbish home makeover show.
That might be him there but, to be honest, we don't spend enough time perving at pictures of men to be able to tell one from another.
» Top Of The Pops 7.30pm, BBC1 ... For some reason, we are in the grip of an overwhelming urge to highlight TOTP. This urge may pass surprisingly quickly or grow stronger – you will just have to wait and see.
» Big Brother 8.30pm, Channel 4 ... Will it be Jon or Justine? Do we care? The answers to these questions, and possibly a few others, will be revealed tonight.
» Kirsty's Home Videos 11.30pm, Sky One ... Fun for all the family as a randy bull tries to sodomise a member of the public.
» Night And Day 12.05am, ITV1 (Scotland only) ... Sincere apologies to our readers in England and Wales, because we forgot to highlight the spectacular final episode of Night And Day yesterday when you might still have had a chance of seeing it. As it goes, you don't. Sorry.
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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses.
We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.