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TUESDAY'S LOW POINTS

The stuff you won't want to miss today.
» This Morning 10.30am, ITV1 ... Fucking hell! If it isn't Cliff Richard AGAIN! Today, he will be singing Mistletoe and Wine.
» FILM: The Beautician and the Beast 1.15pm, BBC2 ... It's nearly Christmas, so that means BBC2 can show all the really bad films they wouldn't dare to schedule at any other time of year. This one stars annoying US comedienne Fran Drescher (her from out of The Nanny) as the beautician (not, as would be more appropriate, the beast).
» Today with Des and Mel 1pm, ITV1 ... Yet another splendid line-up of guests. We reckon the bookers just put a load of ridiculous names in a hat each day, then draw out three. Today, Samantha Giles will be discussing her forthcoming return to Emmerdale. As if that's not exciting enough, Amanda Holden and Donny Osmond will also be present.
» Home and Away 6am, Five ... If we're following the plot correctly, the divine Sophie was carrying a surrogate baby for Sally and Flynn when she decided to shag old flame Blake. Bizarrely, as a result of this union, she is now carrying their baby as well. But today, she miscarries one of them. Ludicrous!
» Holby City 8pm, BBC1 ... A truly spectacular episode in which a dying Kath is found in the basement attached to the business end of a sharp object, inserted by evil nurse Kelly. Can the team save her? And is Kelly's brother Nic really dumb enough to flick a light switch in a house full of gas. (Clues: yes, they can. And yes, he is).
» Is there something else we should be watching? Click on the comment link.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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