Monday, November 17, 2003
Oil Fix It
Hooray! It's our second Terri McIntyre mini-adventure, based on the BBC3 comedy, and written just for you by Terri's creator, Simon Carlyle.
» Right, here's the situation.
Arlene had been complaining that she had a sore back. Terri told her it was probably as a result of the aromatherapy course that she's been on up at the college, and all the massage she's been doing. Arlene's Nana had told her that she could be stressed. Terri, naturally concerned for her best pal's well-being, told her to shut up and forget about it for now, and get round to the shop for the Dairy Milk.
That same evening, Nana phoned to see how Arlene was, and Terri told her to butt out (Terri was in the middle of Hollyoaks). Nana persisted with her enquiry, so Terri told Nana that the pain in Arlene's back was nothing compared to the pain Terri was currently experiencing in her arse. Nana was raging and vowed to not send soup round for a whole week. Terri shoved the phone under a cushion and tucked into the Dairy Milk.
When Arlene was still complaining of the sore back the next day, Terri thought they should do something about it. Besides, Arlene had not been able to cook the tea that night cos she couldn't get all the stuff out the freezer and manouever it in and out of the oven, and Terri couldn't start cooking for herself, not with her recently re-done acrylics and the oven gloves with the holes in them.
Terri said to Arlene: "Right, I'll tell you what we're going to do – we're going to do a bit of that aromatherapy on you. Deep tissue aromatherapy is what you're needing. Get the baby oil out my bedroom"
"I'm allergic to that though," Arlene replied. "Papa used to put it on me and it made me a rash "
"Right, well, where's your aromatherapy shite? Get that Ylang Ylang and Lavender out your vanity case. Get your top off"
Arlene took her top off and Terri advised her that, this time around, she could keep her bra on.
Anyway, Terri told Arlene to get up on the breakfast bar so she could work round both sides of her (she didn't have a massage table and she wanted to do it as professionally as possible). She mixed up the oil with a bit of hot water in one of her best bits of tupperware, which she'd lost the lid for and was using to save the drips from the bottom of a parlour palm she got out of Bhs.
So Terri got wired in about Arlene's back, pulling and pummeling, and all was going quite well until the phone went. Terri looked around for her top-of-the-range Betacom cordless but couldn't find it. Nor could she find the dish towel to dry her hands. She hunted high and low.
Eventually she found the phone under the cushion but as she went to pick it up to answer it, the oil on her hand forced it to fly out of her hands and toward the end of the sofa. Naturally Arlene reached to catch the phone but in doing so fell from the breakfast bar on to the edge of the sofa and then on to the floor.
Arlene is wearing a neck brace at the moment, but Nana's knitted a cover for it and Terri's just told her to tell people it's a chunky polo neck.