Friday, November 14, 2003
Exclusive stuff for Fans of the Tan
If you read lowculture regularly, it can't have escaped your attention that our favourite thing on TV is BBC3's Terri McIntyre. So we're slightly delighted to be able to bring you some special Terri McIntyre stories – thanks to Terri's creator, Simon Carlyle – so you can keep up with the adventures of Glasgow's queen of tanning while she's not on the telly.
And here's the first one!
Last night, Terri decided she'd start her Christmas shopping early, so she told the boss she had a hospital appointment at four o'clock. He asked her what it was for so, eager to put him off the scent ASAP, she told him she was having "an urgent fanny swab" He left her to it. She phoned Arlene from the loos and told her to meet her outside Frasers.
The trouble kind of started when Arlene arrived with the knee missing from her leggings. Terri thought maybe Arlene had at last managed to get a ride, but no, she'd been knocked down by a slow moving taxi.
Terri, concerned for Arlene's well-being, suggested they go for a drink. So they went for two half ciders and Terri cleaned Arlene's knee with a couple of wet wipes she had in her bag for emergencies.
Arlene wanted to go round to Littlewoods and get new leggings but Terri told her to roll them up to hide the hole. Arlene was reluctant until Terri convinced her that pedal pushers could be worn just above the knee and went well with scrunchy socks and "vintage" (ie filthy and knackered) Reeboks.
When Terri and Arlene did eventually emerge from the pub (they were in the basement in Princes Square - by eight o'clock Terri was on to the large glasses of white wine, lighting the wrong end of her fags and Arlene was sleeping on the circular steps where children normally play, and would have still had she not been slumped, asleep and bleeding from the knee).
They were legless.
Terri attempted to gain access to RS McColl's – which she knew was open late – to buy some packs of Christmas cards, so she at least could feel she'd made a start. But the woman on the till told her she was too pissed and asked her to leave the shop. Arlene swiped a Snickers just out of badness and Terri told her the woman on the til she looked like an "old whoor"
From there they hailed a mini-cab on the street and headed home, trying to work out as they went what time Terri would have to set the alarm for to get back into town in the morning to pick up her car before "the bastard wardens" started.
When Terri arrived at work the next day she was greeted by Kelli.
"Hiya Terri – how's your chuff?" she asked.
Terri is now planning to shop at Argos online for Christmas.