Saturday, December 15, 2007
Your vote can make a Difference
FINALLY OVER! The X Factor, ITV1, 7.15pm
Oh, X Factor. Where did it all go wrong? This year you were the show that was talked about for all the wrong reasons, what with the vast majority of the acts that made it to the top 12 being utterly, irredeemably shit, the complete over-reliance on sob stories about people's fathers WHO ARE DEAD instead of contestants who can sing, knife-wielding zombie teenagers wearing blazers and berets, Sharon Osbourne throwing a strop at the end of the first live show because two of her acts were in the bottom two, Dermot O'Leary being utterly appalling at filling for time during the live shows, Sharon and Louis ganging up on Dannii Minogue like the nasty bitchy little children that they are...somewhere in the middle of all this ridiculously contrived "drama" you lost sight of the goal: to produce an entertaining show that actually finds a decent new pop act. Is it really any wonder people got bored and devoted their viewing loyalties to Strictly Come Dancing instead?
We've lost a lot of acts along the way, most of them barely memorable: brassy barmaid Kimberley was the victim of ITV's schedulers in the first episode after they moved the start time fifteen minutes earlier, meaning that most people switched on after her performance; then DILF Daniel got booted after a disastrous rendition of 'Build Me Up Buttercup'. Then the planned double-elimination got cancelled after Zombie Emily was discovered to be some kind of YouTube terrorist (and this from a girl WHO WAS BRIEFLY DEAD and therefore ought to know only too well the value of human existence) and withdrew from the show, then Futureproof lost the battle of the hastily-assembled-at-boot-camp bands against Hope. At this stage new girl Dannii, who according to Louis and Sharon knows absolutely nothing about the music industry and has never ever never had a hit record and has only just learned how to walk upright and has yet to be weaned onto solid foods, was the only judge with all of her acts left, so weepy Asbestos Andy was the next one to get booted after leaving it far too late to flash his washboard stomach at us. After that it was the turn of longterm bottom-two dweller Alisha to go home, the victim of one of nitwit Brian Friedman's many misfires of "creative" "direction". Following her was the booting off of Bellowing Beverley, much to the chagrin of mentor Louis Walsh, who clearly didn't receive the memo that the obligatory fat black woman never wins, or indeed the memo that she was rubbish and no loss whatsoever to the music industry.
Amidst rumours of backstage squabbles, and possibly because of the fact that only one of them could sing, girl group Hope were the next to go, and then in the sweetest of all possible eliminations right before the final, Niki (WHOSE DAD IS DEAD) got the boot after the public finally realised that Louis Walsh saying she was a brilliant and talented singer =/= her actually being a brilliant and talented singer. Farewell, you humourless old boot. Please take some time out to study the limitations of your voice; it'll be better for everyone that way.
This leaves us with three acts remaining to fight it out for the title, the first of which is Leon, this year's obligatory Jazz Twat, who is unspeakably dreadful, has absolutely no charisma, is of negligable talent and yet has never once been in the bottom two. Voting public, we do not understand you. It was bad enough that Ray came second last year, for the love of all that is holy. Alongside Leon in Dannii's category is Rhydian, the cavernous-lunged classically-trained singer with Max Headroom hair, who turned out to be quite a sweet bloke despite first impressions, but has been somewhat sandbagged by some uninspired song choices. He's the favourite to win, but we must ask ourselves: does the world need any more "popera" artists? Indeed, did we ever need any in the first place? We suspect not. Which leaves us with lowculture favourites Same Difference, a brother-and-sister duo from Portsmouth who are constantly cheerful, always watchable, and most importantly despised by Louis Walsh. Therefore a vote for Same Difference is a metaphorical kick in the teeth for that clueless grey git at the end of the table who couldn't win a battle of wits with an armchair.
Here, just to prove why they must win, is Same Difference performing the Scissor Sisters' 'I Don't Feel Like Dancing' in the fourth week of the competition:
Tonight, each act will sing a Christmas song, their favourite song from previous weeks in the competition, and a duet with a special guest star. Not that any of this matters, because whatever happens you should vote for Same Difference. Same Difference, Same Difference, Same Difference. We really cannot stress this enough. And if they don't win tonight, we'll probably be co-ordinating some kind of sabotage campaign on Monday to get everyone to download Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' to stop the winner getting the Christmas No.1.
Remember: every time you vote for Same Difference, Louis Walsh dies a little inside. We can think of no better incentive. (And if we can drop a shameless plug in, the team over at The Bitch Factor will be doing a live blog during both shows tonight, and imbibing dangerous amounts of vodka just to get through the evening.)
Links to this post:
The Bitch Factor is a brilliant blog. Might the guys behind it consider a 'Bitching on Ice' blog when the celeb ice skating bonanza starts next year? Just a thought... Did anyone see the Graham Norton show the other night? Self-styled 'Mrs O' showed her true colours when she laid into the Minogue in spectacular fashion; what a NICE lady.
Your wish is our command...
Ha ha. Well they do say careful what you wish for. Can't wait! x
Let's not forget dermot describing almost every set of judges comments throughout the whole series as "a mixed bag". Truly horrible.
By 2:49 pm, at
tbh mate if youve got nothing else to do but moan about x factor u shuud get a life . weirdo
By 2:17 pm, at
You're suggesting we'd be better off trolling the internet for people who disagree with us and leaving them anonymous flames? I dunno, that sounds pretty lame-ass to me...