Tuesday, April 18, 2006
The doctor is in. And out.
DESIGN House Doctor: Inside & Out, Five, 8.00pm
Our some-might-say disturbing obsession with House Doctor dwindled for a while when they started running new strands of the programme that couldn't be guaranteed to contain Alistair Appleton. The horror! we thought. But perhaps we've been unfair. And so, in an attempt to make amends, we would like to recommend to you the new (Alistair-less, we assume) series starting tonight.
After all, whether her camp cohort is absent or not, there's still something fantastically satisfying about watching Ann Maurice poke around someone's house with that collected demeanour of hers barely masking her reaction of abject horror that anyone would let their home be viewed in this state. Then there's that fantastic Californian bluntness that she deploys, in the whole seemed-nasty-when-she-started-but-now-we've-all-seen-far-worse manner of things. She's like the anti-Sarah Beeny, if you like. While Sarah will stand there all smiling and encouraging when some moneyed upstart tells her she can take her years of property development experience and go fuck herself with it because she knows that time will eventually prove her right, Ann doesn't even give you the opportunity to fight back. She just says "for the love of God, burn that fugly couch" or something a little bit more well-phrased. What? We're not interior designers (although we are gay), so we don't know what to say in that sort of situation. "Burn that fugly couch" is what we'd say, at least. And we'd probably add "bitch" on the end of it.
Anyway, tonight Ann and her garden guru Sven head for a house in Camden that the owners cannot sell. While we're busy feeling so terribly sorry for the people who can't shift their surely-incredibly-valuable London home, we shall be taking notes to establish exactly how you stage a house for sale, so in the unlikely event that we ever find ourselves in that position, we won't have to wilt under the barbed tongue of La Maurice. Although we suspect we'd get along famously, of course...
Also on tonight: digital viewers might be interested in checking out The Starlet on Living TV at 8.00pm. Kind of America's Next Top Actress, it features a bunch of largely-untalented girls catfighting to win a role on Chad Michael Murray vehicle One Tree Hill (and why is it that every time we have cause to type that show's name, we always want to write One True Voice?). Tonight they will be tested on their ratings-grabbing sweeps skills, apparently, as their task involves kissing each other in a hot tub. Exploitative? What is this of which you speak?
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