Thursday, July 13, 2006
Bitches behind bars
JAIL! Bad Girls, ITV1, 9.00pm
Hooray! The final whistle may have blown on Footballers' Wives, but we still have the lovely lasses of Larkhall to keep us company on the long winter - er, summer - nights. And thanks to our lovely friends at ITV who afforded us a preview of the first episode, we can give you the proper lowdown - although we'll try to keep it as spoiler-free as we can for you.
So, life in G-Wing's going to settle down now that "That Bastard" Fenner has gone for good, right? Wrong! Guv'nor Masterton calls in new Deputy Governor Louise Stoke, who likes to be called Lou, so Guv'nor Masterton calls her Louise. Obviously. Lou joins us directly from a strip club (watching, not dancing, we hasten to add), so she's either a seriously feisty lady, a bit of a lesbian, or both. She also knows Guv'nor Gayling of old, and wastes no time in making "wanker" gestures behind Guv'nor Masterton's back with him. We think we like Lou.
Meanwhile, there's a new bitch on the block - Emira Al Jahani is arrested on suspicion of aiding and abetting her husband's escape from the police, and awaits trial at Larkhall. Emira is Muslim, therefore all of the other inmates think she's a terrorist, because they're sekrit geniuses. Bodybag is as sympathetic as you'd expect and then some, while Sid Owen appears as a new, ostensibly nice prison officer who volunteers to be Emira's personal officer. Natalie Buxton (who, we're pleased to see, still gets "Nonce!" shouted at her on a regular basis) decides that since Emira is a Chemistry student, she should knock up a little crystal meth lab for Natalie to run. However, it all goes a little bit wrong when people start vomiting and passing out all across G-Wing, and the other inmates start accusing Emira of manufacturing ricin and anthrax. From there onwards it all gets very dramatic, and we won't go into masses more detail, suffice to say that not everyone makes it to the end of the episode alive. Welcome back, girls of Larkhall. Oh, how we've missed you.
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