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China in their hands

RUNWAY! America's Next Top Model, Living, 9.00pm

America's Next Top ModelWhat an odd cycle of America's Next Top Model this has been, what with Tyra's insistence on making everything green-friendly, the plus-size girl who really didn't look plus-size, the elimination of Heather, who many presumed would win the whole thing, in fifth place, then the elimination of house bitch Bianca before the final, leaving us in the unfamiliar position of being stank-free for the finale. Oh, and Saleisha's makeover. Nothing beats that for oddness: let's take a pleasant-looking if unremarkable girl and give her a pudding bowl haircut, assuring her all the while that it's high fashion when really she looks like a cross between a Beatle and Bob the Builder.

Nonetheless, we have our final three for this cycle in the form of Chantal, Saleisha and Jenah. And as we said right back when we previewed the first episode, we called the winner right from the very beginning, purely based on our understanding of how the show works after sitting through all eight damn "cycles". But assuming there are any of you out there who have managed to get this far while remaining unspoiled (and seriously, if you have: kudos, because we're beginning to think it's not humanly possible), we're not going to tell you who it is. Although we will admit that we don't always read this show as well as we think we can, because another of the girls in the top two is one we wrote off as fodder in the early stages. It just goes to show that Tyra likes to throw a curveball as much as the next person. A fierce curveball though, obviously.

This being the final, the hurdles that remain to be jumped are rather predictable: the three remaining girls have to film an ad for CoverGirl, so best wrap your brain up in some sturdy insulation lest you be hypnotised into believing that you too are in serious need of a peach-flavoured Wetslick. Following that there'll be one final elimination, and the top two girls will have a walk-off in a typically fake-looking runway show - this year with the added bonus of one girl accidentally knocking over a poor unfortunate Chinese extra on stilts. But who will it be, and will it cost her the win? We can barely contain ourselves, in much the same way that Tyra's dresses can often barely contain her.

Oh, and if you think this cycle was ass-crazy? Wait until cycle ten. Seriously.

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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