Monday, March 31, 2008
CALAMITY! Neighbours, Five, 1.45pm, 5.30pm, 5.10 am; Five Life, 7.00pm
We are pleased to see that the writers and producers of Neighbours take the advice of lowculture seriously. We refer you back to December 10, 2007, when we gave them a list of tips to make the show better.
Our tips included:
» Axe Ned (we don't want to give too much away here, but... squeeee!)
» The Parker family (Ned aside) could have potential if they are actually rewritten a bit. Someone on the message boards commented that Dad Parker is trying to fill the nice guy role of Philip Martin, but doesn't quite achieve it. That's because Philip Martin had suffered being married to Julie, then seeing her die, and being dad to all those horrible kids. Then he married Ruth, who had a bit of sass, and thus was a good foil for him. So, we'd like to see Miranda (mum) Parker, either developing her Ruth/Susan/Janelle sass - which we feel is unlikely, seeing as in Neighbours, that sass is usually formed by being dicked over by a man and not standing for it - or, our preferred option, becoming the new Julie/Hilary/Mrs Mangel. The street needs a new busybody, and she could easily be it. Riley is decent enough eye candy, but he needs to take his shirt off a bit more, get screwed over by Elle Robinson and go all dewey-eyed with tears. And get a plotline. 'Didge' either needs to get over herself, fast, or die in a freak accident. (Seriously. We rocked this one. Every point ticked. Well Elle hasn't screwed Riley over yet, but surely it's a matter of time)
» All good Neighbours casts have a teenage gang. The current bunch of teenagers barely even speak to one another. Get them bonding, stat.
And it is to this last point which we now come. They have, indeed, bonded the group of teenagers (well, except Declan, who appears to have been missing in action for weeks), and added in new kids Josh, Jessica and Taylah to boot, as well as a ginger school bully. However, tonight's episode is the 2007 series finale. Previous series finales have included Lassiter's blowing up, the plane crash and other such death-ridden catastrophes. So what we are saying is that we hope you haven't got too much emotion invested in the current teen gang, OK?
You may have noticed that there is an ILLEGAL! DANCE! PARTY! taking place. And regular viewers will know that Neighbours takes a dim view of teenagers doing illegal activities, particularly if dancing, or sexing, or drugzing, or drinking might be involved. So let's just say this dance party is probably not going to go anywhere good.
With Rachel and her current-inappropriate-but-cute-teacher-shag-Angus, Zeke, Didge, Ringo, Declan (maybe?), Riley, Taylah, Jess, Josh, presumably the ginger bully, Elle and Riley (demonstrating mad undercover journalistic skillz), and, inexplicably, Libby and Karl all on the premises, will everyone make it out alive? And will anyone develop temporary disabilities that will magically go away in five weeks' time?
We're not saying. But if the producers are reading, we're still waiting for Steph and Toadie to have some kids, and for someone to go on that Cuba trip. You know it makes sense...
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Does that mean that we get new opening titles tomorrow?
That is potentially, actually, magic
Slight correction alert - the series finale is actually tomorrow. Although big lols for the Cuba reference
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