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May the fourth (series) be with you

We are so giddy right now we are in danger of spontaneously combusting. We don't actually want to combust though, because then we'd miss the new series of Doctor Who, the finales of Ashes to Ashes, Torchwood and Damages, the continued aceness of Pulling, Gavin and Stacey and Rock Rivals, the start of Gossip Girl and the return tonight of The Apprentice and Desperate Housewives. But we ask you, seriously, how much excitement are we expected to take all within the course of one month?

SUGAR! The Apprentice, BBC One, 9.00pm and The Apprentice: You're Fired, BBC Two, 10.00pm

The fourth series of The Apprentice is an event in the lowculture that will probably only be equalled in terms of anticipation by the fourth series of Doctor Who. Already a sweepstake is under way on the forum and there is fevered discussion about the contestants themselves. The most intriguing/bonkers contestant is almost certainly going to be Nicholas de Lacy Brown, mind.

We don't know what this series will have up its sleeve to master the triumphs of the last three series ('I AM your boss', The Badger's house-selling, lips for sin, James selling wooly jumpers, Simon and the trampoline, titties and fish, cooking on a bean can, Paul Tulip being fired for being a big fat liar etc) although we imagine the scandals of previous series (Miriam's shock firing, Karen's shock firing, Naomi's shock firing), the unfairness of the finale (fierce contestant vs wet and dull and often incompetent contestant as they stage a rubbishy looking event. No matter what the result, the wet one gets hired) and the crapness of the prize (launching electronic beauty products, overseeing a computer recycling business doing what local councils do for free, err, managing a golf course or somesuch) will be consistent.

What we are really looking forward to, though, is watching Nick and Margaret (aka the voice of the viewer) as they purse their lips, look disapproving and come out with amazing one-liners, enjoying Sralan's put-downs and generally pouring scorn on all the contestants. If you feel the same, join some of your fave LC friends over on http://theapprentbitch.blogspot.com/ as we recap it week by week.

Oh, and don't forget the ruddy awesome The Apprentice: You're Fired straight afterwards

SPICE! Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, 10.00pm and Channel 4+1, 11.00pm

We feel so spoiled today. As soon as Sralan has finished (or half an hour later, if you watch You're Fired) you can tune in to another fourth series, this time a welcome return to those crazy bitches and, er, male bitches of Wisteria Lane.

Last time we were with Desperate Housewives everything had gone a bit awry. Bree was pretending to be pregnant with slutty daughter Danielle's baby, whilst Danielle herself had been packed off to the nuns or somewhere to hide out the rest of the pregnancy. Evil but awesome son Andrew was also apparently nice, so something very rum is afoot in the van de Kamp/Hodge household (and that's without going into all the crazy that surrounded Orson and his family).

Lynette had gone through the shock of finding out Tom had a secret daughter, being held hostage with, and witnessing the death of, mother of said daughter, opening a pizzeria and discovering she had cancer. Lynette can join our list of lovely, unfairly put-upon women as detailed yesterday, come to think of it.

Gabrielle was unhappily married to politician Victor and looked to be restarting her relationship with Carlos (yawn. Seriously, we don't like those two together at all.) via an almost relationship with newly returned, newly wealthy creepy Zach. Carlos, meanwhile had dumped Edie (boooo! They were so good together) and she had apparently committed/attempted suicide.

Finally, the biggest injustice of all was that Susan Meyer was still left alive, cancer free, with no fake babies to raise AND engaged to the lovely Mike. This show has no concept of karma.

Tonight's opening episode picks up the regular characters' plots from where they left off, and introduces a new family. Will they, like the Youngs and Applewhites before them, have a 'dark secret'? Well, what do you think...?

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According to Marxist theory, cultural forms such as opera, classical music and the literary works of Shakespeare all fall under the heading of high culture. Low culture refers to a wide variety of cultural themes that are characterised by their consumption by the masses. We might not be Marxists, but we do know we loved Footballers Wives. If you do too, you'll know what this is all about.

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